Don't Worry, Be Bitter
by candelight
Summary: Ms. Bitters sets up another advise column in the newspaper! Sequel to the first one....hope you like.


Don't Worry, Be Bitter

Ms. Bitters sets up another advise column in the newspaper! Sequel to the first one....hope you like.

Q: Mrs. Bitters, my husband is such a slack-off, at work and at home. How can I get him to be more serious?

A: Never be serious in life. It's not like you're going to get out alive.

____

Q: Oh, Mrs. Bitters-in a recent family argument, everyone is now pointing the finger at ME. Whatever am I to do?

A: First of all, stop whining. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

____

Q: Mrs. Bitters, what's your outlook on life?

A: The world is nothing short of a terrifying spire of doom. You're doomed.

Doomed.

Doomed....

____

Q: Mrs. Bitters, my husband thinks I'm too old for him! Whatever shall I do?

A: That sounds like another comment I received from all of you doomed fools: _"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked _

_me in the cellar."_

____

Q: How do you want to die, Mrs. Bitters?

A: When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. But then again.....ah, I just want to hear the fact that

I was right.....

The universe will eventually implode on itself, and I will be there when it happens....

.....unlike you.

____

Q: Mrs. Bitters, do you recommend any fabric softeners?

A: Sorry. I don't speak English.

Q: What? It sounds like you speak English.

A: Nope. I do not speak a word of English, you little nothing, and, if you do not mind, I am going to sleep now.

____

Q: Mrs. Bitters-my husband is ALWAYS playing tricks on me in public! How do I get back at him!

A: What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?  
'Hold my purse.'

Now go away, before i send flying monkeys to destroy you all.

____

Q: Mrs. B-please help. My daughter is hopeless in school. She never answers when the teacher calls on her! What do I do?!

A: What you call a dog with no legs?  
Don't matter what you call him, he is NOT gonna come.

And, for your information, that stupid little girl is in my classroom. I should know when I say she's not hopeless in school-she's hopeless EVERYWHERE!

____

Q: Hey, Mrs. Bitters. How do i become popular with the "higher crowd?"

A: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? And why do they make you pay for another one after you're done stitching her mouth shut?

____

Q: I love you Mrs. B.

A: Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll ignore you.

____

Q: I've been kidnapped in my life before, Mrs. Bitters. My family handles it oddly-but what do I do?

A: When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

____

Q: What's your medical advice, Mrs. Bitters?

A: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Or do. The act of going for medicinal help in this world is pointless.

____

Q: What's your idea of a perfect man, Mrs. B?

A: Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. Or don't have one at all.....the world is going to end in fire.

____

Q: I'm always being beat in video games, Mrs. Bitters! What do I do?

A: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

____

Q: What's your favorite childhood memory, Mrs. Bitters?

A: Why, learning to ride my two wheeler, of course....through my neighbor's flower bed.

____

Q: Do you have any pets, Mrs. B?

A: I don't care that you asked, but I might as well answer-I have thirteen black cats-that, despite being buried, are wonderful companions as my unholy army of the night.

____

Q: Mrs. Bitters, I'm a teacher. The students in my classroom are always coming up with crafty lies about their homework! What should I do?

A: Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

____

Q: Mrs. Bitters-can you help me? I keep daydreaming in class! How do I stay focused?

A: The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

And, I recommend you come to my....skool. I will gladly aid you by shackling your ankles with electrical contracting as I hang about you in my black garments, and hold a croquet

mallet just so above your head. Perhaps that would assist you somewhat.

____

Q: Is it true you're a vegetarian, Mrs. B?

A: I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. Now silence.

____

Q: When no one listens to me, why even bother talking, Mrs. B?

A: Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Now do stop talking.

____

Q: My psychologist is soooo mean, Mrs. B!

A: After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

____

Q: Mrs. B? I feel I need to fix something in my life, but I don't know what it is. Can you help?

A: As they say in Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Now, farewell, you wretched souls. May Doom go with you.


End file.
